Holding Paradox: Being in the Mystery of It All
Two weeks ago, I experienced an up-close-and-personal journey into accessing my capacity for paradoxical being – having the ability to feel ease in contrasts, to feel unconditionally alive and engaged. I found myself along for the ride of ascending into darkness, trusting the unknown, and listening to the intermittent sound of the train whistle blowing for no apparent reason other than to note “I am here … and bringing you along.”
Recently, I took a railroad retreat on Amtrak’s Coastal Starlight – a 3-night, round-trip from Salinas, CA to Seattle, WA. The trip had originally been planned as my post-Covid re-entry into the wider world but had been postponed for 2 years due to Covid spikes. Having been navigating an extended period of intense redefining, redoing, and reconfiguring, I stepped into the unknown (a.k.a., Roomette #5) with intention of effortless emerging, being, and becoming. The beginning of my trip was a ride into the sunset.
That night, I slept very little. I just gazed out the window, taking-in the night colors of towns and countryside. The moon was full with an orange glow; Jupiter and Venus were drifting out of their conjunction. I felt very happy and at ease. The sunrise over the snow-covered forest in the Cascades was so beautiful that I cried. I heard myself whisper, “This is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had!”.
As we came down the mountains into more towns, I witnessed the scenery tone change. There were industrial buildings, trains carrying hundreds of 2” x 4” planks of wood, piles of trash, and unhoused people living alone and together. Again, I cried. The voice in my head asked, “Now, Marianne, can your mind stay calm, can your heart remain open, can you be fully present to what is here and happening? Are you willing to stay awake with all this too?” I realized then that the key to my intention of effortlessness lay in my willingness to hold the paradox of Living in all forms, that my transformation-du-jour … -du-ever … was emerging, being, and becoming with all that is here. I began to sense being in the paradox as the fulcrum, the place of balance, of non-duality, of coherence. When I brought this realization to the larger field of living in a time of healing, transformation, and evolution … well, my mind kinda exploded.
Here’s the short version of what I felt as living in transformation and experiencing stillness in the swirl, a.k.a., paradoxical enlivenment, a.k.a., being awake and alive in 2023:
Letting go and treasuring
Feeling awe (amazement) and awe (terror)
Doing and being
Embracing and grieving
Engaging practices and qualities that are cosmic in scope and particular in action
Sensing personal and collective experiencing
… as incarnate and spiritual being.
We are differentiated nodes held in wholeness of an infinitely creative process called Life.
Holding paradox takes me deeper into this mystery of being.
Marianne
PS: The day after I returned from this journey which I had postponed in order to avoid Covid, I tested positive for Covid and didn’t have electricity or phone for 3 days. … I still think the trip was one of the best ideas I ever had, was grateful that my Covid experience happened in the time of Paxlovid, and felt deeply supported by loving beings of many Life Forms.
